Are you the Chamber of Secrets? Because I’d probably need to use my tongue skillfully to get inside you.

Am I the Whomping Willow? Because when you get near me I flail around and endanger lives.

Are you Peter Pettigrew? Because if I found out you’d been living in my room my whole life I’d get over it pretty quickly.

Are you the flying Ford Anglia? Because even if you’d been living in the woods for months I’d still want to get inside you.

Are you a portkey? Because when we touch I feel transported. And then a bit sick.

Are you the Elder Wand? Because I feel like if I kill your boyfriend you’ll end up with me.

Are you Hogwarts? Because your inner workings confuse the shit out of me.

Are you a Boggart? Because when I look at you, I think of commitment.

Are you Hermione Granger? Because I think about you sexually a lot.

I Oedipal the chocolates I bought you, but happy Mother’s Day! Also you’re looking sexy.