Posts tagged with ‘humor writing’ include the following:

"Ron you’re weird!"
"Ha ha ha, what?"
"I’ve got a mustache! Hahahahahahaha!"
"History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce."
"Mom it really hurts. I don’t want to wear this dress mom it’s too tight."
"Thaaaaaa’ts showbusiness!"
"CROATOAN"
"No soup for you!"
"Mom I don’t want to look sexy, I want to look pretty."
"I am Ferris Bueller and This is My Day Off."
"I’ll have what RON BURGUNDY is having!"
"Mom! This isn’t about you! Stop projecting your insecurities onto me! You’re an adult! You should be beyond this!"
13-25. “Achorman!”
  1. "Ron you’re weird!"
  2. "Ha ha ha, what?"
  3. "I’ve got a mustache! Hahahahahahaha!"
  4. "History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce."
  5. "Mom it really hurts. I don’t want to wear this dress mom it’s too tight."
  6. "Thaaaaaa’ts showbusiness!"
  7. "CROATOAN"
  8. "No soup for you!"
  9. "Mom I don’t want to look sexy, I want to look pretty."
  10. "I am Ferris Bueller and This is My Day Off."
  11. "I’ll have what RON BURGUNDY is having!"
  12. "Mom! This isn’t about you! Stop projecting your insecurities onto me! You’re an adult! You should be beyond this!"

13-25. “Achorman!”

Buzzfeed has stopped replying to me.

I just found the first feature-length screenplay I ever wrote, which was basically a re-write of “Patience, or Bunthorne’s Bride” by Gilbert and Sullivan, except instead of the Aesthetic movement in the 1890’s it’s about early millennial hipsters in New York and a guy who tries faking it at performance art and slam poetry.

It’s kind of trite (and full of typos) and reads a bit like a YA novel but it’s also really cute and I’m having a lot of fun reading all the 18-year-old Ben jokes.

Here are some screenshots.

What Do Girls’ Names Say About Their Personalities?

Emily — You are a devoted friend. You often prioritize the happiness of others above your own. Try to set some time aside for yourself!

Anita — You are the queen of esoteric talents! You can juggle, moonwalk, walk fast, spit into anyone’s mouth, slap your dad awake when he’s sleeping, and rob stores then burn the money.

Hannah — You’re a bleeding heart. Literally! Gross. Get a body, Hannah!

Rebecca — Family means everything to you. Anyone’s family. You like to go into their houses and tie them up and gag them, then act out all the Simpsons couch gags with your new living puppets.

Rhonda — That’s a stupid name. Are you a mom? That’s a mom name.

Yasmin — You know how to party! By knocking everyone out with codeine and drawing nude Dr. Seuss characters all over them. Is that a Grinch dick? That’s a Grinch dick!

Gina — Gina, you are so boring it’s criminal! Get a personality, Gina!

Charlotte — You’re super feisty and nothing can stand in the way of your goals. If your goal is to pick up a quarter off the sidewalk and someone gets to it first, they’ll get a sea urchin up the ass courtesy of Charlotte (that’s you!).

Marissa — It’s your destiny to find the other half of the amulet and follow the path it reveals. Get on that, Marissa! You go girl!

Kristin or Kristen — You are a real planner; an organization freak! You planned the Kennedy assassination.

All other names are bullshit/fake.

EXT. WOODBINE CLUB - NIGHT
The year is 1953 and the city is Philadelphia. A TALL FIGURE and a SHORT FIGURE walk into view.
ET(pointing at the club’s NEON SIGN)
ET Phone Home!
JOHN “TRANE” COLTRANE
Well, little buddy, round here there’s only one kind of ‘phone that matters.

EXT. WOODBINE CLUB - NIGHT

The year is 1953 and the city is Philadelphia. A TALL FIGURE and a SHORT FIGURE walk into view.

ET
(pointing at the club’s NEON SIGN)

ET Phone Home!

JOHN “TRANE” COLTRANE

Well, little buddy, round here there’s only one kind of ‘phone that matters.

“How to Smize”
Been adding to WikiHow articles today.

How to Smize

Been adding to WikiHow articles today.

It’s a common misconception that flatus, the gas produced by bacterial fermentation in the colon, is simply methane. Flatus is so much more than that. It contains oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen—that simplest and most plentiful of molecules in the cosmos, and carbon—the molecule of life.

These elements were forged in the crucible of the big bang. They comprise the galaxies up at which we gaze with wonder and the lenses through which we gaze—the air we breathe. Each time we expel flatus, we’re releasing these elements back into the vastness from which they were gathered over the course of billions of years.

We are, all of us, made of fart stuff.

You like games? We got games!
Test your emotional resolve by listening to someone for whom you have feelings talk about their various love interests!
You like rides? We got rides!
No wait, you got rides! You get to give them rides to their dates with other people!
You like slides?
Watch your confidence slide away as the object of your hopeless affection tells you how it’s weird but you don’t count as a boy/girl to them.
You like ball pits?
Wrong! Nobody likes ball pits! They’re gross!
The more time you put in, the more tickets you get.When you’ve got enough tickets, guess what you can cash them in for?
Nothing! That’s not how this works!
If your crush is a slinky or a box of glow in the dark ants, you are in luck!Otherwise, your crush is a person and is not redeemable with tickets, you idiot!

DISCLAIMER:Are you mad at your crush for bringing you to FriendZone?
Consider this: either you suck at hinting or your crush is an oblivious or cruel person.
Consider also that if you don’t like the rides or games, you can just leave. You are not helpless. You get to choose how you spend your time and resources.
Remember, No One’s Got A Gun To Your Head™

You like games? We got games!

Test your emotional resolve by listening to someone for whom you have feelings talk about their various love interests!

You like rides? We got rides!

No wait, you got rides! You get to give them rides to their dates with other people!

You like slides?

Watch your confidence slide away as the object of your hopeless affection tells you how it’s weird but you don’t count as a boy/girl to them.

You like ball pits?

Wrong! Nobody likes ball pits! They’re gross!

The more time you put in, the more tickets you get.
When you’ve got enough tickets, guess what you can cash them in for?

Nothing! That’s not how this works!

If your crush is a slinky or a box of glow in the dark ants, you are in luck!
Otherwise, your crush is a person and is not redeemable with tickets, you idiot!

DISCLAIMER:
Are you mad at your crush for bringing you to FriendZone?

Consider this: either you suck at hinting or your crush is an oblivious or cruel person.

Consider also that if you don’t like the rides or games, you can just leave. You are not helpless. You get to choose how you spend your time and resources.

Remember, No One’s Got A Gun To Your Head™

In Honor Of April Fool’s Day, My Three Favorite Pranks

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1. The Sokal Affair

In 1996, Alan Sokal (an NYU physics professor) was fed up with the pervasive, waffly trend of postmodern deconstructionism in academia—of people like Derrida whose work is often riddled with circumlocution and false syllogisms and which aims to undermine the existence and importance of objective realities.

He submitted a deliberately nonsensical paper called ”Transgressing the Boundaries: Towards a Transformative Hermeneutics of Quantum Gravity” to an academic journal. And it was published.

Sokal describes it as "a pastiche of left-wing cant, fawning references, grandiose quotations, and outright nonsense…structured around the silliest quotations [by postmodernist academics] I could find about mathematics and physics."

Said Sokal, “Anyone who believes that the laws of physics are mere social conventions is invited to try transgressing those conventions from the windows of my apartment. I live on the twenty-first floor.”

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2. I, Libertine

Jean Shepherd, the raconteur best known for A Christmas Story, had a long and fascinating career as an irreverent radio host. His prank came out of frustration, like Sokal’s—specifically with the way the New York Times Bestseller list was determined.

He claimed that if enough people simply requested a book from bookstores around the country, it would make the NTY Bestseller list. He asked his viewers to request I, Libertine by Fredrick R. Ewing—a book and an author that didn’t exist. They obeyed. And it made the New York Times Bestseller list.

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3. Bing.com

In 2009, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer orchestrated the company’s most elaborate April Fool’s Day prank to date.

With competitors Google and Apple dwarfing the erstwhile top dog Microsoft corporation, Ballmer decided to engage in a little good-natured self-effacing fun.

Under his direction, Microsoft engineered and launched a search engine of their own—ostensibly in competition with Google—which they named Bing. And people actually used it.

Bing.com is still an active website—you can visit it and even use the functioning search engine.