Ben Kling

WHAT IF THE TSARNAEVS HAD BEEN GIANT COPPER ROBOTS?

A response to WHAT IF THE TSARNAEVS HAD BEEN THE “BOSTON SHOOTERS”?

Here’s a little mental experiment. Imagine, for a moment, that the Tsarnaev brothers, instead of packing a couple of pressure cookers loaded with nails and explosives into their backpacks a week ago Monday, were giant robots made out of copper. What would have been different?

Well, for one thing, the brothers would probably have killed a lot more than three people at the marathon. The methods they employed were designed to allow them to elude capture, but if they were giant copper robots instead of people, this might have been less of a concern for them. If the Tsarnaevs were skyscraping automatons with machine guns built into their arms, they might easily have killed hundreds of spectators and runners and leveled dozens of buildings before military helicopters were sent to hit them with rockets or drop a giant net on top of them.

The second thing that would have been different is the initial public reaction.

How To Vote

As many of you doubtless learned today, tomorrow is Election Day in the United States!

Some of you, however, might not know where to vote or how, so here’s the procedure:

Google “where do I vote?” Google will ask for your zip code and will then forward you to a page featuring the location of a nearby polling center.
DO NOT travel to this location. This is a trap.
Think hard, try to remember—is there a location you keep dreaming about? A place that seems embedded, like a childhood memory, in the yawning fissures of the deepest reaches of your nighttime thoughts? It is real, I promise you. And it’s there you must go to vote. But not yet.
Go to the Anderson House. Old Man Anderson will answer the door and before he gives you any trouble, show him the locket your grandmother gave you. He’ll ask you where you got it, then get irritable and say he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. He’ll then slam the door in your face.
Call after him “Is this about what happened to Eliza? Your sister? Why did she disappear, those many years ago?” or “I want to vote.” Either one will do.
He will appear again behind the dusty, rusty screen of the door and reluctantly let you in.
Follow his instructions. Heed his advice. But don’t trust him completely.
Get to the Old Willow Tree before sunset—this is PARAMOUNT. Also, bring a valid photo ID and proof of residence.
Do you still have the locket?
You’ve realized you don’t. Old Man Anderson must have taken it.
You need to find out what happened to Eliza. You need to talk to her ghost.
Later, when you face Old Man Anderson, tell him what she said. Tell him she forgives him.
He will break down and cry. Then he will give you the locket back.
Go back to the Old Willow Tree. Hurry, the sun has almost set. Again, bring a photo ID and a proof of residence.
Yell the name of the candidate you mean to vote for into the old, knotty hole in its trunk. Also, throw the locket in.
As the blinding light and rush of air erupting from the tree whips through your hair, remember to digitally sign your ballot.
Go back to the Anderson House. It’s empty, isn’t it? Looks like it hasn’t been lived in in years. Look at the photo on the desk. A young Old Man Anderson has joined his sister in the photo in front of the Old Willow Tree.
Complete an exit poll, if you so choose.

5 November, 2012

216 notes

Candy Corn (or Sweet Maize) has been a part of Halloween celebrations since the first Hallow’s Eve, when Native Americans taught English settlers how to engineer corn syrup using α-amylase, rather than the traditional Pilgrim method, which employed hydrocholric acid.

The Pilgrims and Native Americans remained good friends until later that night, during the costume party, when they got into an argument about cultural appropriation.

31 October, 2012

45 notes

Here’s some spoooookily recycled content.

Remember: every day is as scary as Halloween because you’re going to die and you don’t know when.

26 October, 2012

59 notes Source: benkling

The Floor is Lava

If you’ll both follow me up to the porch here, you’ll see the swing I was telling you about. That was added when the place was renovated in 1980. And notice the gorgeous stained glass double doors. As a matter of fact, that is oak! Good eye. My husband’s the same way; he’s got a real knack. Now into the foyer—watch your step, that’s it.

As you can see, lots of light. That’s mainly the work of the two bay windows in the living room over there—all original trim, too, on those. You should see it in the morning; they just flood the place with sunlight.

Before we move into the living room, you’ll notice that the floor is lava. It’s really not an issue; none of the previous owners have had any trouble with it. You’ll just have to follow me. Generally, to get from the foyer to the living room, you’re going to want to hop onto the antique mail desk over there. I’m going to use the console table, but you should stick to the mail desk until you get the hang of it. That’s