Posts tagged with ‘humor writing’ include the following:
The bag is pulled off your head and you find yourself on the poured concrete floor of a small, dank room with stained walls. Your hands are tied behind your back, so tight that the rope grates away skin every time you move. A group of men in the shadows speak to each other in a language you don’t recognize.
A single fluorescent light turns on, flickering weakly, throwing dingy green highlights into the room. A man enters and steps into the light—the men in the shadows fall silent. He stares at you, appraising you, then jabs you twice in the ribs with the butt of a rifle. You double over, gasping, and choke out “What do you want from me?”
The man’s lip curls into a sneer and he lowers his face until it’s right in front of yours. His breath makes you gag.
He asks you a question in the same language you heard the other men speaking. “I don’t—I don’t know what you’re saying,” you tell him, looking at his cheeks, his mustache—anything but his eyes.
He grabs your hair and pulls upward until you’re forced to meet his gaze and he repeats the phrase—this time you understand it.
A Conversation Between Myself And Ricky, My Childhood Best Friend Who Turned Out To Be A Robot Programmed By My Mother
WHAT’S UP? WHERE’S YOUR COAT?
YOUR RED WINTER COAT. YOU’RE GOING TO CATCH A COLD. YOU SHOULD WEAR YOUR COAT. I RIDE A SKATEBOARD.
when a store has its open sign up
and the lights are on
and the employees are milling about
it makes sense to try the door a few times
because sometimes doors stick
so would you kindly stop staring at me
as if I am an army of undead
trying to break down the door and feast
or an absentee father on Christmas Eve
desperate for the plastic robot that will win back his son’s love
or a mob of doomed faithless
pleading tearfully at the door of the Ark
as the thunder of an unforgiving god drowns out their voices
or a wretched aristocrat with one leg over the deck of the sinking Titanic
let’s say John Jacob Astor IV
explaining unctuously his wife’s ‘delicate condition’
as the final lifeboat is lowered into the inky sea
I am legit just trying to buy a Yankee Candle
Far Far Away sumitted by louis. it is so good I think we can all relate to this song
I think it’s time to come forward about what is arguably Emmy’s and my greatest collaborative achievement to date—a Shrek-specific otherkin blog that never caught on and for which I wrote and recorded two songs in fifteen minutes.
The character design of Garfield is heavily based on a racist caricature of a Tibetan man who delivered food—and often mean-spirited pranks—to Jim Davis. In an interview, Davis was reluctant to use the term “nemesis” but said “if I have one, it’s definitely Chodak. I sort of did Garfield at him.” Odie is based on Davis’ dog, Odie.
The Foosball (or “Fool’s Ball”) table, in Victorian times, included cut-out holes in the turf which framed the faces of crouching working-class who had upset members of the British aristocracy. This eventually led to the development of the “crouching class,” which inspired the Morlocks in H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine.
Franklin Pierce was the first Bi-Curious President.
I’m going as Astrology for Halloween—I’m just going to act let down when I find out my date is interested in me.
A guy who runs a spooky costume / makeup / prop shop and doesn’t know about Halloween is really excited that business is starting to pick up
"See, Miller? See? I told you, all it takes is patience and pride in your work to establish a thriving local business."
"Mr. Heigl, I think—"
"Miller, you were right about the name. ‘Heigl & Hyde’ flows better than ‘Jekyll & Heigl,’ I can admit that. But I was right when I said that eventually we’d be discovered; that if we stuck with it through the slow goings in the first few months we’d make it big. And would you just look at that line, Miller! An actual line!”
"Yes but Mr. Heigl—"
"Miller! Miller m’boy! I know—you want a raise. Right? Not another word. I’m doubling your salary. No—tripling!"
"That’s very generous of you, Mr. Heigl, but I don’t think we can afford—"
"Nonsense, lad! Look at the register! We’re positively drowning in clams! Things are going to be very different for us from now on. I’ve already phoned the Misses and told her to go ahead and buy that bureau she’s been coveting. Although I can’t imagine we’ll be in that apartment for too long now, not with me bringing home this kind of dough! I think it’s time to start looking for a bigger place; maybe something in the Regent."
"Mr. Heigl, I wouldn’t—"
"Miller, you’ve been a good employee. I appreciate your loyalty to me and to Heigl & Hyde. Why don’t you take the week—no, take the rest of the month off! I think we could both use a little vacation, and now that the people know we’re here and we have the costumes, wigs, and oversized plastic novelties that they crave, I think we can afford to keep ‘em waiting for a while. Let’s close up shop until, say, November the first."
"Sir I really don’t know if that’s—”
"Not another word, Miller, not a-no-ther word! Here, take this—got to be at least five hundred in cash. Go have yourself a night on the town. I’m going to go check the inventory and double the orders for everything for next month."
Heigl walks over to a shelf, opens a novelty monocle in blister packaging, dons it, and picks up a plastic tap-dancing cane. He whistles “We’re in the Money” and heads for the door.
"Oh and Miller—put up a sign that says ‘no candy.’ You wouldn’t believe how many people have come in here asking if we sell candy. I don’t know what on earth they’re playing at—it’s a costume shop, for pete’s sake, not a sweets shop."
Heigl exits, activating the plastic, motion-sensing grim reaper by the door, which lets out a tinny, high-pitched laugh as its eyes flicker orange.
Miller tries on an elvis wig.
We may be 1 in two million, but some of these things are just too relatable.
1. You may/may not have deformed big toes.
This is an early indicator, but is not always present.
2. Codon 206 in the ACVR1 protein on your 4q27-31 chromosome is histidine, rather than arginine.
This one always confuses your friends.
3. Tumor-like lumps have begun to appear seemingly at random beneath your skin.
And you’re sick of explaining that they’re NOT tumors!
Male Hero In Post 1990’s Adventure Film Tries To Save Princess, Turns Out Princess Can Save Herself And Knows Karate Or Whatever
The male hero in any adventure film from the last 20 years reportedly playfully urged the woman he was charged with rescuing to “try to keep up” and smiled a cocky half-smile before the apparently highly trained princess bested him quickly in martial arts/swordplay and replied, snarkily, “I’ll do my best.”
I’m doing this today. Follow it if that appeals to you.