The Floor is Lava

If you’ll both follow me up to the porch here, you’ll see the swing I was telling you about. That was added when the place was renovated in 1980. And notice the gorgeous stained glass double doors. As a matter of fact, that is oak! Good eye. My husband’s the same way; he’s got a real knack. Now into the foyerwatch your step, that’s it.

As you can see, lots of light. That’s mainly the work of the two bay windows in the living room over thereall original trim, too, on those. You should see it in the morning; they just flood the place with sunlight.

Before we move into the living room, you’ll notice that the floor is lava. It’s really not an issue; none of the previous owners have had any trouble with it. You’ll just have to follow me. Generally, to get from the foyer to the living room, you’re going to want to hop onto the antique mail desk over there. I’m going to use the console table, but you should stick to the mail desk until you get the hang of it. That’s it.

Now, you can hop safely off onto that stray couch cushion. See? Easy stuff. This is the living room. As I mentioned before, beautiful bay windows, plenty of space. If you’ll join me on the coffee table, we can head into the kitchen. Mind your step, though, because the floor in here is, like in the rest of the house, lava. If you like, you can grab the chandelier for support. The chandelier, by the way, is another addition from the 1980 renovation.

What’s that? You dropped your phone? No, that’s definitely gone. I should have mentioned that; you’re going to want to be extra careful with your belongings when you’re moving from room to room. Feel free to take a phone call on the end table or the ottoman, but in general you’ll want to avoid carrying it around. When you get a new one, I mean. Because your old one just fell into the lava.

The kitchen is an eat-in with a new granite countertop. The countertop makes it especially easy to move through the room, because again, the floor is lava. So if you’ll follow me uphere, I’ll give you a hand. Watch your bag while youoops! You really should be more careful with your things. If you duck under the cabinets here you’ll see the dining area. The table is a drop-leaf, so there’s plenty of room for guests on it.

Children? No, I wouldn’t worry about it. You know how kids are. They fall down, scrape a knee, in ten minutes they’re back up running.

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to show you the upstairs today. Mainly because it’s a risky jump from the Bombé chest to the stairway, and I’m not certain if the stairs are lava. But you can see next to the staircase is the mud room, and then just through thesorry? You know, I don’t really know what happened to the previous residents. But like I said, we’ve never received complaints about the place.

Listen, I don’t know why you’re obsessing over the floor. It’s a beautiful place in a lovely neighborhood, minutes away from the school. I have a number of other couples interested in it. If you’re not, just say so, and I won’t take you out back to see the English style perennial garden and blue stone patio. 

No, no, I’m sorry. It’s been a long day. Just follow me onto the radiator here and I’ll take you out to the garden. I should mention, though, that the back yard is quicksand.

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    Now if you’ll excuse me, we’re all dead from the convection of immense heat and/or the toxic fumes that tend to...
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    this man is a genius.
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