Hey you ever notice how at first you’re super stoked about your phone and it seems like the perfect size and then you’re assaulted with images designed by professionals to aggressively highlight the dimensions of the new phone and slowly your phone begins to look like the wrong size to you, like it’s too narrow or too thick?
And you can kind of feel that happening every time you look at your phone, almost like it’s changing before your eyes into something you’re no longer satisfied with?

And then did you ever roll your eyes at someone for having body image issues?

Who wants to make a Christmas porn called Sex Actually

I was just watching an indoor downpour of rainwater leak down from the ceiling of the 23rd street M station.
The train arrived, the door opened right behind the waterfall, and a harried-but-professional-looking woman stood there, stuck and bewildered.
There was a small pause, I realized I had an umbrella, I pulled it out and opened it in a single, accidentally graceful motion, it blossomed (it’s a very nice umbrella!) and I held it above the space between us with a cartoonish bow.
She blinked, smiled, then walked out of the train beneath it and I took her place in the train, like we were in a revolving door or a square dance.
After I retracted the umbrella & shook it off I fell asleep on the train, and I’ve just now realized it wasn’t a dream.

My last words are gonna be “I’m goin’ ghost!”

"ha ha look at those druggie idiots staring at the moon like it’s miraculous & enigmatic

calm down guys it’s just a giant magnetic rock mirror”

Me: so what’s going on with you, I feel like we never talk anymore

Soda machine: whrrrrrrrrrrr

Me: anyway so here’s a link to my kickstarter

Me: Candy? for breakfast?!?

Doctor: No, I said sleep apnea. it’s very serious.

Tip for me: all jackets look cool in the dressing room with your fists thrust into the pockets & a scowl on your face. Try standing regular.

Due to a whacky typographical error I am now spending a semester ABOARD. *toot tooooot* Train College Season 1 streaming on Netflix now